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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25959580">I AM.........</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bichita_36e/pseuds/bichita_36e'>bichita_36e</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Blindspot (TV), Law &amp; Order: SVU, Station 19 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon LGBTQ Female Character, F/F, F/M, Interracial Relationship, LatinaX, M/M, Mentions of past child abuse, Past Child Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:47:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25959580</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bichita_36e/pseuds/bichita_36e</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>If you'd like a particular TV series character written about I'll do my best.<br/>Currently Natasha Zapata (Blindspot-Ch 1), Olivia Benson (L and O-SVU-Ch 2), and<br/>Victoria Hughes (Station 19 Ch 3) have chapters so far (Ch 3 is in process). I don't<br/>mind writing about a character or fandom you may suggest in the comments<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maya Bishop &amp; Carina DeLuca, Natasha "Tasha" Zapata/Ed Green (past), Natasha "Tasha" Zapata/Edgar Reade, Natasha "Tasha" Zapata/Rey Curtis, Olivia Benson/Brian Cassidy, Olivia Benson/Eliot Stabler, Olivia Benson/William Lewis (rapist)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I Am NATASHA</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/blindsmarcy/gifts">blindsmarcy</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bacner/gifts">Bacner</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/cedes_92150/gifts">cedes_92150</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maca96/gifts">Maca96</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/hubbleimage13/gifts">hubbleimage13</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/atkinsgenniher/gifts">atkinsgenniher</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellaKatrina/gifts">BellaKatrina</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeesyLovesBathenaAndVicley/gifts">LeesyLovesBathenaAndVicley</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/julrenda/gifts">julrenda</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashlee_jordan888/gifts">ashlee_jordan888</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ample_annie/gifts">ample_annie</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patty_Parker60/gifts">Patty_Parker60</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lila_luscious1/gifts">lila_luscious1</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samilynn8989/gifts">Samilynn8989</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/legallyblindandrea/gifts">legallyblindandrea</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckysue_bonner/gifts">beckysue_bonner</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/danilow1/gifts">danilow1</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafci62/gifts">wafci62</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovevicley/gifts">lovevicley</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindylachon42/gifts">mindylachon42</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolina_beckerj/gifts">carolina_beckerj</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/kellicohn23/gifts">kellicohn23</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gasnina/gifts">Gasnina</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilylukns/gifts">emilylukns</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyHasNoLife/gifts">KyHasNoLife</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodiousoblivion/gifts">melodiousoblivion</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missthang616/gifts">Missthang616</a>.</li>



    </ul><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Some insight into the tumultuous life of Natasha "Tasha" Zapata. Her father left the family<br/>when she was just five years old; their alcoholic to the care of their alcoholic mother whose<br/>neglect forced her kids to raise themselves. Being part of a Team has been very difficult for her,<br/>having learned to depend only on herself form a tender age.</p><p> </p><p>Both Rey Curtis' sand Ed Green's timelines are out of sync with them meeting Zapata-<br/>purely for the sake of the story line.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>READE: her Male best friend-gone to Quantico...PATTERSON: her Female best friend-in Silicon Valley (somewhere), building an app worth<br/>
millions of dollars...THE WELLERS: in Colorado living their best lives...and RICH DOT COM:somewhere, probably doing something he<br/>
should NOT...with them gone, there's NO ONE to stem the chorus of voices kept at bay by their proximity, the voices that insist that<br/>
she's NO GOOD, UNWANTED, UN-WORTHY; why not give in to the drink, and the drugs, the risky sex...why not gamble her life away?<br/>
Or ...<em> just KILL yourself ...your 'friends' got as far as they could from you, as FAST as they could...because you are SHIT...and </em><br/>
<em> always have been... </em></p><p>Despairing of ever advancing a romance with Reade, she frequented 'cop' bars and those where federal agents hung out, which is where she<br/>
met Detective Rey Curtis, of the 27th Precinct (this during the time of  Rey's legal separation from his wife). So handsome and empathetic, he is<br/>
just what she needed at the time. He encouraged her to re-enter AA and channel her energies-hot, sweaty sex with HIM...some of the best of her life.<br/>
She is happy, due to her innate caring and desire to help others, to provide a 'release' for him sexually, and as a sounding board for him to vent<br/>
his frustrations to. Being in the same profession helped-she understands how 'the job' can affect your personal life, most of the time adversely.</p><p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p><p>She completely understands when Rey and his wife Deborah decide that counselling will repair their relationship, especially after Deborah is<br/>
diagnosed with MS not long after she and Rey reconciled. A month or so later she met Senior Detective Ed Green: a tall, muscular slab of  tasty<br/>
chocolate Man. He is possibly more caring and relatable than Curtis. He's brilliant and able to converse on a variety of subjects due to his<br/>
classical education, and Tasha finds him fascinating. Shortly before Reade's return from Virginia, Ed's 'tiny' gambling issues escalate, and<br/>
when he shoots a murder suspect, an internal investigation reveals that he owed a substantial amount of money to the deceased. Tasha<br/>
fully supports her lover through it all, though Reade's arrival portends the end of their 'friends with benefits' trysts.</p><p>Part of the reason she runs from Reade for so long, why the possibility of never seeing him again (s3 e21) is the catalyst for her to finally admit<br/>
her true feelings, and to go him-giving into what she fantasized about for so many years. There was no turning back after that night-Reade is IN<br/>
HER, her HEART, her SOUL: and the past is washed away for those twelve hours. The mental and physical abuse by others, the SELF ABUSE, which<br/>
was predicted by the former...he didn't turn away, or run away; he accepts it and loves her anyway. "I will be open and honest and completely 100%-<br/>
transparent with you starting at this moment. YOU ARE MINE, and I AM YOURS, for as long as you want me."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I Am OLIVIA</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Captain Olivia Benson has built an enviable career with the NYPD-first<br/>as an SVU (Special Victims Unit) Detective, then as the Unit's Commander.<br/>Her middle initial is M (4 Margaret), tough maybe it should be D (4 Dedication<br/>2 DUTY). Her empathy for female victims of sex crimes clouds her judgment at<br/>times, especially when Women are the offenders and Men the victims. often blindly<br/>skeptical and causing un-forced errors ( shes more likely to go to bat for women she<br/>deals with). Yet she's a true heroine with a tragic back-story, doing far more GOOD than<br/>HARM in the world.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I have been with NYPD since 1992, becoming a Special Victims Unit Detective in 1998 (28 years with the department; with<br/>
22 of those as first a Detective, Sergeant, Lieutenant, and now Captain)...I am more sympathetic to victims of sex crimes<br/>
very quick to believe victims' stories, in contrast to most of my SUV colleagues. My former partner-Elliot Stabler-was lots more<br/>
jaded than I, often more skeptical of victims' accounts than I am, and we clashed over that at times. My ability to sympathize with<br/>
victims can be a tremendous asset, but there are times when it comes back to haunt me.</p><p>I have allowed my job at the SVU to consume me, to consume my personal life, more so after EL left the force. There was an affair, the<br/>
longest relationship I've ever had.  I'm still ashamed about betraying Kathy (Stabler), a really good woman who I smiled and wished well<br/>
while fucking her husband behind her back-doing all of the things he complained that she would not. I can believe it; she's a Good Catholic-<br/>
I myself lost my faith some time ago, if I ever had it. I know 100% how wrong it was (SO DEEPLY WRONG!), we both did...which didn't prevent<br/>
us from lying to keep from getting caught-which thankfully, we never did. We couldn't stop, either of us...I don't know that we made an honest<br/>
effort to do so. There was a time during which the two separated and nearly divorced, ultimately reconciling. Part of me hoped that he would<br/>
not go back to his family, though I always suspected that he would.  I AM <strong>OLIVIA O BENSON </strong>...not quite a 'homewrecker',<br/>
but really, really close to it. We were partners for 13 years, finally giving in to temptation during our seventh year as working as a team, ending<br/>
the affair a months before he left the NYPD  for good.</p><p>In between and after EL I dated Brian Cassidy, a fellow SVU Detective. We tried, Bri and I; he sorta knew that I'm still in love with EL and so he<br/>
never fully committed to the relationship. Can't blame him, honestly...I'm a product of rape, and experienced it a few times myself-the most<br/>
famous incident was the murderer and rapist WILIAM LEWIS, who abducted, drugged, and raped me over the period of several days-he would<br/>
have killed me, I'm sure, had I not gained the upper hand on day five and battered him nearly to death. Brian confided to me that he was is also<br/>
traumatized (molested a by a baseball coach from ages 12-14). I loved him (not as much as EL), but when he declined to seek therapy we ended<br/>
our relationship amicably. I am <strong> OLIVIA BENSON </strong> ...I'm mostly OK.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I Am VICTORIA</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Young firefighter Victoria Hughes, recently promoted to LIEUTENANT (she's married<br/>to the former Chief of the department, by the way) fights the same perceptions as other<br/>women, as well as the *certainty* by many that her promotion because of the former Chief's<br/>influence.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It HURTS, it really DOES. In a way, she can understand the reasoning behind that perception, though ignoring her two medals<br/>
for bravery does NOT seem reasonable. The whispers, the accusations, and speculation that she slept her way to Fire Commission<br/>
recognition. There's VIDEO of her pulling that young child from the icy waters of the Duwamish River, following that with her actions<br/>
during a five-alarm fire (utilizing her incredible breath-control to help rescue a fellow Station 19 firefighter-Dean Cutler-who broke his<br/>
leg venting a portion of an interior wall (Andrea Herrera-Sullivan acquired her second medal during that event; Dean Miller was recognized<br/>
as well).</p><p>The Fire Commission voted for and awarded medals Vic received: her husband, Chief Lucas Ripley, played no part in the recommendation<br/>
Robert Sullivan, re-instated as Battalion Chief after his part in the heroic rescue of the kidnapped, intended victims of sex traffickers, is<br/>
the one who submitted her name for both. The BC</p><p>"19!", he announced at morning line-up once the Commission's intentions were announced, "I have submitted Victoria Ripley and Miller<br/>
for the Medal Of Bravery. I've recommended unit citations for all responding stations, even strong&gt;23"...</p><p>"Boooo!"</p><p>"Oh-HELL NO!"</p><p>"C'MON, Cheif!"</p><p>"...ALRIGHT, SETTLE DOWN! The way that Gibson has shaped-up that joint is commendable. Their response times are 5 minutes<br/>
faster and they did step up in a big way at that five-alarm. I need to stress that Chief Ripley played no part in my recommendation<br/>
concerning his wife. Chief Janus of Battalion 3 recommended MY wife. Each submission is married to witness statements and audio.<br/>
That way, any recommendation that <em> i </em> make are either negated or buttressed by witnesses, and oversight review."</p><p>That speech of Sullivan's buoys Vic and sweeps away all guilt and doubt about her fitness to be recognized and take her rightful<br/>
place on the dais during the award ceremony. Her phone rings-it's a number she doesn't recognize, though it has a prefix she<br/>
recognizes from SFD prefix-"Good afternoon; am I speaking with Victoria Hughes?"</p><p>"Yes...I'm Victoria Hughes"..."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. I Am ANDREA</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>based on "Bad Guy" in season 4 (more AU than canon), when Robert and Andy<br/>had that disagreement about a sedative, when he suggested that she take one<br/>to stop her spiral. There's some angst (just a touch)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"YA, HOMBRE! Stop telling me to take a sedative, as if <em> drugs </em> solve everything <em> I </em> don't solve my problems<br/>
with drugs, the way OTHERS do!", she snarked.</p><p> </p><p>He has no reaction at first; and suddenly he blinked and his lips pressed together, hard. His fists clenched, and he swallowed hard a few times.<br/>
</p>
<p>(Oh, God!); she knows that she may have gone too far: "R-Robert, I..." he ignores her, stalking to the door and slamming through it so hard<br/>
that it swings wildly on its hinges. His BMW roars to life, and he's gone. "Robert", she whispered from the doorway. Long minutes later, she turned<br/>
and walked back inside.</p><p>---------------------------------------</p><p>"Hi, Vic..um, is Robert there?"</p><p>'I don't think so...RIPL!" (she called down the stairs).."Iis Sully down there with you? NO?...we haven't seen him, Andy. Did something happen?"</p><p>The Lieutenant laughs weakly. "It's <em> ME </em>, Vic...I'm still adjusting to married life. I-It's harder than I imagined."</p><p>"I'm STILL adjusting, Girl...when he comes back, <em> apologize </em> and no snarky, 'half it's kinda your fault' deflections you admit<br/>
that you are notorious for: say 'sorry, I'll do better' and mean it-OK?"</p><p>---------------------------------------</p><p>Carina and Maya are about to escalate from heavy petting to full out sex when Maya's phone announces a call. "Ignore it, Bella:  questo è<br/> 
il momento di Carina!", Carina insists. The attempted connections continue twice more until Maya finally grabs her phone: "It might be the<br/>
station-HELLO!"</p><p>"M-Maya...have you seen my husband?" Andy sounds desperate.</p><p>"Uhhh-why would I see Sullivan, Ands? Did you two have a fight?"</p><p>"I'm just...I'm trying everyone; he um...left after a fight that we had a few hours ago...where could he BE?!"</p><p>"If he's not back by midnight, we can ask Holder, or Ryan to look for him...<em> try to relax </em>, Ands...he'll cool off and go home...promise."</p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------</p><p>He walked in the front door at 1150. Andy ran into the foyer and seeing him, almost collapses with relief. "Oh, Thank God! Where were<br/> 
you-I was so scared, and worried sick!"</p><p>Without answering, he goes past her into the kitchen. To her dismay, he takes a beer from the refrigerator and finishes it in three long gulps.<br/>
"What!?"</p><p>"Nothing...Robert, perdoname...por lo queue te dije antes...de las drogas." forgive for what I said earlier...about the drugs)</p><p>He doesn't even glance at her; he uncaps another beer and downs most of it.</p><p>"Don't drink any more please...here, I'll pour that out..."</p><p>He pulls away, just forcefully enough to make it clear that he's still angry.</p><p>"Bobby...di algo, por favor..."(say something, please)</p><p>"Alcohol"</p><p>"Al-alcohol?!</p><p>"No usaste drogas para resolver tu problems: fue alcohol y sexo anonimo". ( You didn't use drugs to solve your problems, more excess<br/>
of alcohol and random sex)</p><p>Cut to the quick (this is how HE felt), she says "O-kay...that's fair...c'mon, let's go to bed; I'm gonna pour the rest of that out, okay?"</p><p>They go up the stairs to their bedroom.</p><p>They lie down, facing each other. "I am sorry husband."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>"Oh, shit! Let me text Maya and let her know that you're here."</p><p>"Let her know...?"</p><p>"I was worried sick, Bobby. I called her looking for you."</p><p>"Yeah, okay. G'night."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Inspired by blindsmarcy's 'NATASHA-MY STORY'</p></blockquote></div></div>
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